The key to any relationship: COMMUNICATION!

@weheartitapp

By: Thais Ribeiro

Relationships are not easy. We’ve all heard it before and you’ve likely experienced it before. You get to know someone, have some fun, but then something they say or do rubs you the wrong way, and you break it off. You meet a new person, and repeat. At the end of day, everyone is going to have different opinions, beliefs and habits than yours. The truth is, although soulmates may exist, you’re gonna have to do some work if you want things to work out in the long term.

Dating has become incredibly trivialized in today’s world. Phenomena like Tinder, Happn, InnerCircle and social media in general have made the dating scene scarily similar to online shopping. Like everything else, dating has become immediate, and people are quick to throw away a partner after a few misunderstandings, much like returning a piece of clothing that arrived and didn't quite fit. Let’s say, however, that you want to be able to hold onto that piece. Not just that, but be able to understand it, grow with it, and develop a strong connection to it. If it were a pair of pants, you’d need to grab a needle and thread, settle down, and get to adjusting it. When it comes to relationships, however, finding the tools you need becomes a little bit more complicated.

Communication is a two way street. While the word may be connotated with talking often, or simply sharing your feelings, healthy communication requires some work and goes much, much, deeper. While you should feel comfortable sharing your feelings with your partner, it is even more crucial to be able to listen.

This is where Micheal S Sorensen comes in. In his debut book, “I Hear You”, he describes what he deems as the key to bettering your relationships, focusing on compassion and the ability to listen.

One of the things I like most about this book is that Sorensen is no expert--he’s not a therapist, or in healthcare at all--he is a businessman, a father, and a husband. An ordinary man. Hence, he credits years of therapy to his appreciation of a revolutionary act: validation. Here is a rundown of just what makes up this term, and how it will better not only your romantic relationships, but almost any interaction you have:

• Listening. Yes, you’ve heard this before. I cannot stress enough how important it is to sit down and allow others to freely communicate how they feel to you.

• Letting go of judgment. You are different from every other person on this planet. When listening, let go of any personal bias. Put yourself in the person’s shoes and allow them to vent without fear of judgment.

• Being compassionate. Understand the hurt and the suffering of the other person. Make the effort to sympathize with the feelings and/or concerns.

• Showing empathy. Don’t be afraid to share if you have experienced something similar to what they are going through. While you shouldn’t minimize their experience or shift the subject away from them, it can be helpful to show that you can relate, or at least are trying to.

• Being supportive, not assertive. Do not try to give them solutions. Don’t tell them that they will get over it, that it’s not a big deal, or that things will pass. It takes courage for them to be vulnerable with you. Provide supportive comments, not solutions.

• Reassuring them. Let that person know that it is okay for them to feel how they feel. If they are suffering, tell them that it is valid. If they are hurt, tell them that you understand why. The first step to healing is being able to feel, and repressing someone’s emotions will have the opposite effect.

Sorensen’s central ideology is that you should master the ability to understand your partner’s vulnerability, and simply empathize. He describes how his relationships with all those around him began to change for the better once he began applying these principles. The book makes improving your listening and communicating simple, and is illustrated with mundane, relatable examples. Definitely worth the read.

Next time you’re in conflict with a loved one, or someone you know needs a shoulder to cry on, think twice about your reaction. Let the person know that they are heard, and that they are allowed to feel as they do, whether you agree with it or not. Understand their side, and express yours. You might find that that pair of jeans fits much better than you initially thought.